Comments on: Repressing and reducing anger

By: The trouble with nice | Love of All Wisdom

The trouble with nice | Love of All Wisdom — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:39:50 +0000

[...] – even when confrontation would be a good thing. Niceness then too easily turns into passive aggression – because one isn’t ready for offence and open confrontation, one causes harm without [...]

By: michael reidy

michael reidy — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 21:05:08 +0000

Amod,
To clarify: Passive Aggressive behaviour comes in various forms, it exists qua sulking, non-co-operation etc. It takes some individual, specific, substantial, and personal form. Passive Aggression is always instantiated in some way and we can deal with it in the way that it presents itself. To say that passive aggression exists in the same sense as sulking for instance, may I tentatively suggest, verges on a category error.

This is the point that I was making, not a plea for sharing or anything of that sort. We chaps don’t go in for that sort of thing!

By: Amod Lele

Amod Lele — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 15:39:14 +0000

That’s an interesting question you’re pointing out, Michael – basically, to what extent should we theorize and generalize about our personal lives? My sense is that passive aggression also includes surprise lashing out – angry outbursts that could have been avoided if the angry person had spoken up about their wants before the anger got worse. That’s a different thing from sulking in silence, which is in turn a different thing from refusing to cooperate or help another person out. But each of these, it seems to me, has a common cause: a refusal to engage in potential conflict, which has worse consequences than the conflict itself. I think it’s worth identifying passive aggression as this common cause. The Buddha said we need to discover the causes of suffering in order to eradicate it; passive aggression seems to me like a real cause.

(Incidentally, to a certain extent, I might actually be ready to classify the mainstream culture of central Thailand, where I lived for six months, as passive-aggressive in its orientation: one is always expected to smile and never supposed to raise one’s voice in anger, but violent outbursts are common. If memory serves, the Thai crime rate is very low on almost everything except manslaughter, where it’s one of the highest.)

By: Amod Lele

Amod Lele — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 15:31:24 +0000

Thanks, Evan, and welcome to the blog. I hope you stick around and I’d love to hear your comments. Critique of critique of critique is likely to happen a lot here!

By: michael reidy

michael reidy — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 22:39:16 +0000

Amod:
Not so much that ‘passive aggression’ does not occur but that therapy jargon is out of favour. It has an alienating, objectifying aspect to it. I believe it is more useful in dealing with individuals to stay with the personal. Thus the other is sulking, non-cooperative and giving you the silent treatment.

By: Reconsidering traditional masculinity | Love of All Wisdom

Reconsidering traditional masculinity | Love of All Wisdom — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 21:06:38 +0000

[...] and Roman Tradition, Patient Endurance I’d like to push a bit further on the theme of the previous post, because I think it points to some important objections people have to Buddhism – and related [...]

By: Evan Hudson

Evan Hudson — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:41:00 +0000

Amod, this was a fascinating post, namely as a critique of a critique of a critique of anger.

Whether righteous anger can exist probably depends on who is benefiting from the anger.

I certainly hope to follow your blog more closely.

Best regards.

By: Amod Lele

Amod Lele — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 13:52:20 +0000

I’ve been wondering about the extent to which passive aggression is culture-bound. I certainly don’t think it’s limited to North America. Goethe’s Sorrows of Young Werther, from eighteenth-century Germany, seems to me to depict a passive-aggressive character, never actually trying to win over the woman he wants but instead hurting everyone by killing himself.

Beyond the West, I wonder. I don’t know the details of life in other cultures enough to be able to say. Passive aggression does sometimes seem to be one of the natural ways women get what they want, in societies where they are not supposed to express what they want openly. A cross-cultural study of women’s social behaviour would be very interesting.

By: michael reidy

michael reidy — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 11:25:03 +0000

Nietzsche would see the impugning of righteous anger, the human version of the wrath of God as the invention of a clerisy in thrall to the ruling class of an hierarchical society. ‘Yes ye little ones supress the emotion which is bigger than you are, let resentment of your masters be the cause of harmless muttering’.

In sadhana our own irascibility might be used against our other faults as a readily available free floating energy. Reidy you fool, you’re at it again! Cultural Note: Passive Aggression seems to be a North American affliction. Perhaps it has to do with the favoured virtue of being pleasant as it comprises the twin goals of expression of irritation and pleasantry. ‘Woe to you should your testicles descend’.

By: Amod Lele

Amod Lele — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 16:14:23 +0000

Hi Justin – good to have you back around! I remain skeptical about interpreting Buddhism as Kantian, but as always I’m excited and eager to see what you come up with.

On the topic at hand: the DL’s tip is quite a helpful one, I think. To see anger as anger – objectively, one might say – is something that can help with passive aggression as well. The majority of the time that we’re being passive-aggressive, we’re not aware of it – we try and make ourselves believe we’re not really angry. I think the problem is we want to see ourselves as being better than we are, thinking we’re bodhisattvas when we’re not. That’s what makes this advice hard to follow: if you’re trying to reduce your anger, you don’t want to believe that you’re still feeling it.